I have thought about writing this post so much in the last couple months. In fact if you’re reading this I am impressed with myself cause it means I actually hit the “publish” button.
I’m the happy girl. The life of the party. I am very social. I love to be out with my friends laughing and having a good time. But the last couple months I haven’t wanted to do anything. Everyday I force myself to get out of bed. It’s been an up hill battle just to get the laundry done, make dinner or be present.
It all started shortly after Christmas. My family left, James went back to work, I had moved and I suddenly realized how alone I felt. I kept thinking it would pass and I would my motivation back to cook, sew, clean and create. But it kept getting worse. All I wanted to do was stay in my house. And all I was doing was yelling. Yelling at my kids and my husband. And alienating all my friends.
After Carson got sick it got really bad. Adding on to my intense loneliness; I was overcome with anxiety. Almost losing a child will do that to you. I have always had anxiety and it only got worse with every child but now it made me not want to leave my house. The thought of taking Carson anywhere public would trigger an attack.
I still remember the day that my neighbor and friend rescued me from self-inflicted captivity. I am a member of the LDS church and a member of our bishopric (leadership) came to my house to give me a calling (a church job). He asked me to work with the young women in our ward. I was so tempted to say no. I said he came to my house because I had quit going to church. Another social situation I was avoiding. Not that I didn’t want to go to church. It was the opposite. I wanted to go! I wanted to go so bad. But James was working Sundays and the thought of taking all 4 kids to church would leave me sitting on the floor crying. So I stayed home.
I thought for a few minutes about telling Steve no. I had already told him no to another calling. Then I thought I NEED this. So I said yes and 2 weeks later I went to church. I started making friends. I noticed the people in my church were there willing to help me. I didn’t even have to ask.
Church was helping. It was good to have someplace I had to go. I had even been calling sick to work. The dear women I worked with had no idea that every day I felt like I was drowning and the immense amount of work and effort it took for me to get up and out the door. James is an amazing husband and father. I need you to know this as I tell you this next part. I would have panic attacks leaving my children with him. This made no sense to me. James is great with them and followed all schedules and directions I left for him. I am seriously so lucky to him in my life. After a really hard day I found myself locked in my bathroom crying. That’s when I reached out to my best friend. A simple text… And luckily she answered. She told to tell James. So I did. It was hard for me to admit I needed help. He was shocked. He had known something was going on. How could he not. But he didn’t know how bad it was getting. He has been so supportive. I went to the doctor and got an RX. He would remind me to take it those first couple weeks. And started pushing me to go out with people.
Am I 100% ok??? No. Am I getting better??? Yes. I started making friends. Really good friends. I have reconnected with my best friend. I go out shopping. And I started going to a spin class. Everyone always says that exercise makes you feel better and I believe them now. I still really don’t like to leave my house. The loneliness and panic isn’t as crushing as it was 2 months ago. I can breathe a little easier. But nothing gets better over night.I’m taking it day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. So if my posts seem far and few between know that I am still here and I will start posting more.